For our vacation this year, I’m taking my family to a place of unimaginable beauty, prosperity, and bliss, Republicanville, USA. In Republicanville, global warming is unheard of, despoilment of the environment is unseen, and disparaging remarks of any sort are unspoken. It’s hear no–, see no–, and speak no evil in Republicanville… there’s just hope, happiness, and carefree consumption.
In R’ville (as in “our-ville” not your-ville to the locals) everyone agrees with one another. Well, there were some who disagreed, but they turned out to be unlawful combatants and we “disappeared” them—er, I mean they disappeared. Oh yes, and there were some treasonous complainers. They used to be called liberals or Democrats, but like that Republican hero, Archie Bunker did to his bleeding-heart wife, Edith, they were stifled out of the county. Different points of view are a good thing in R’ville as long as you agree with me.
In this tranquil, isolated little corner of the world, business is business and business is doing just fine, thank you. For instance, corporate abuse, which seems rampant in the liberal press, isn’t an embarrassment at all. In R-ville it just plain works. Companies merge with cheerful abandon and jobs for CEOs are plentiful and prosperous. In fact, one computer company runs the whole world and that’s a good thing, because it’s an American company. For the techies out there, this means that all of the software viruses can be both spawned and killed from one lucrative site.
But wait, it gets better. Deregulation has made air travel the cheap, safe adventure of which the Wrights could only dream. Privatization has fulfilled the promise of reliable, environmentally-sound energy because the hot air blowing over R-ville goes right to Europe, apparently to France. And with the states now free of that insidious federal red tape and economy of scale, they have become the lean, mean, social progress machines we knew they could be. And money? No problem! It’s absolutely unlimited; it can be borrowed indefinitely from young R’villers who will simply print more of it. That’s futuristic thinking, R’ville style.
In fact, things are so wonderful in R’ville that the only problems are those caused by the previous leaders.