Saturday, November 14, 2015

First Annual "Sexting Denial-Of-Excitement Day": December 31, 2015

The last time I risked watching the local news, I couldn't watch long enough to get past an endless stream of stories of sexting scandals, first from local high-school cyberbullies, and then, if I got it right, from a Secret Service agent who moonlights as an online pornographer.  The adult activities, while offensive, have always occurred, but now have the added phenomenon of the Internet's elephantine memory.  The kids' activities though, are a whole new world and have wreaked havoc among many young lives as our kids learn the perils and pitfalls of a world where cameras are omnipresent and concealable. Previous generations never had this challenge as kids. And the results are much more damaging than in our times.

There's no turning back; there's no making it go away. Is there a pinky-ring camera yet on Indiegogo? Well there should be. How can you get through the day without photographing your knuckles and, lest you leave it on at an inopportune time, the inside of you nose. And it should have voice-stress analysis for instant lie detection when your boss does your next face-to-face review. And live streaming to your personal Youtube channel. But I digress.

So I'm suggesting a radical remedy to save our kids from just one small injustice of the wonderful technology we've assaulted them with: the first Annual "Sexting Denial-Of-Excitement Day," December 31, 2015. Everyone get out those cameras and take a picture of some genitalia and post it everywhere. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, you name it.  Get professional on LinkedIn. Who doesn't think about sex at work? And no Amazon book review is complete without illustration.

You don't have to photograph a real person, let alone yourself... unless you're into advertising and marketing.  There's some great sculpture out there to photograph. Consider David in Florence. Or find some books or magazines; use your imagination people. Or get some stills from your favorite celebrity sex tape.  (I still don't know what that is, a 'tape': I know what a celebrity is and I know what sex is.) And let's not leave any stones unturned, where room for new titillation is left with unexposed parts. Include some assholes. No, not Donald Trump. I'm outrageous and inventive but not cruel. I mean real sphincters, but let's be clean, people. Get them from medical tomes where the work is professional and properly lit.

And let's do some serious Photoshopping, too and get the whole mess over with on Version 1. Let's not make a beta testicle of this. Picture those three-slice pictures with one person's face, another's torso, and well... you're with me, right? We live in a world where no vulgarity is too profane for the seat beside you on the train... no obscenity too extreme even for a sports broadcast... no offense too cruel even for a national election race. So let's get the last true morsel of all the privacy we once thought inalienable, and put it on display. Maybe some nice advertiser could devote some of their electronic billboards to stream the best-of-the-worst. Gosh, how we all love a new paradigm!

And why, you might ask, December 31st? Well, has any useful work ever occurred on this day? And on New Year's Day, we'll all have as much excitement as toddlers under the Christmas tree... for one and only one year. Hopefully next year, the excitement will be gone. And so will the value to the school bully of posting embarrassing pictures of their classmates.

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