10 Ways for America to Burn More Oil

10 Ways for America to Burn More Oil

The sight of oil and gas being intentionally burned---to no energetic purpose---atop the gushing Gulf of Mexico oil disaster has reinforced for me the notion that energy really must be free in America. How else can you explain so many examples we see every day of energy being wasted so thoughtlessly? It must be because energy, despite all the Chicken Little 'peak oil' talk and whatnot, is apparently so plentiful we must find ways to dispose of it. So here's what you can do to help burn off this embarrassment of riches.

1. Put video advertising screens everywhere... at every gas pump, department store clothing area, and highway roadside. LCDs for everyone.
2. Require every household to have one of those inflated, illuminated, motorized lawn globes, year-round. If you don't like the one with Santa and the blowing snow, perhaps you can find one of Osama and Halliburton hero Dick Cheney arm-in-arm doing the Hora as oil rains down on them.
3. Keep the lights on in every office building all evening while people are cleaning a few offices at a time. And in those office buildings, put a new plastic trash bag in every cubicle's trash can every day, for the few pieces of paper discarded.
4. Whatever you buy in a store, however small, insist on getting a bag, plastic if possible. Or better yet, a paper bag inside a plastic bag!
5. Make those suburban lawns as big as can be. And buy a riding mower. The bigger the better.
6. Keep spending every penny we have on private transportation. Buses and trains don't waste nearly enough oil.
7. Flush a gallon of water down the drain every time someone uses a urinal... it made sense 100 years ago so it must still make sense. Think of the energy it takes to treat and deliver water.
8. Put up toll booths at the midpoint between every current roadway toll plaza. Stopping traffic twice as often will burn huge amounts of oil. And when they're built, double the number again. It's a lose-lose winner.
9. Make more babies. Ultimately our only strategy to burn this oil as fast as BP spews it is population. Pop, baby, pop.
10. And finally, just keep letting that BP well run until every last fish and fowl is killed. Don't funnel it to the surface with a stack of concrete or steel cylinders. Don't trap it with a big tube or the world's best pumps. Just let it gush.
America has never failed to rise to a great challenge and there's no reason this should be the first time. Just because we don't seem to be able to build cars fast enough to burn all this ugly black goop doesn't mean we can't solve this problem. We can burn this oil if we're all willing to sacrifice and work hard. God bless you all and God bless the United States of America.